Well, i supposedly shouldn't be here at this time (its the exam week). I supposedly be studying and focus on my final. But, I can't help myself to write. I love writing and writing helps me to express my feelings. I feel a lot better when I write or if I talk to myself in front of the mirror LOL.
I have been thinking (more to wondering) on life, what I have been doing for the past 5 years and what I should be doing in the future. Come to think about it, I really don't know how I actually survived pharmacy school. Its already the final semester yo, and its the final exam of ALL (no its not acute lymphocytic leukemia) examinations! Recently, there is this one story of a girl gone viral, she graduated from med school, sharing how she coped with medical school and stuffs. She did gave up on her studies few times but finally she made it! But her one sentence saying that 'pharmacology is the toughest among all' made me realize on something. How do I survive 4 freaking years in this pharmacy school studying and remembering all the drugs and its pharmacology??!!
People might be saying you've got the brain. You can memorise easily. You are one tough cookie, yadaa yadaa. But truth is I do need to struggle along this journey. It is not an easy task. I dont know for others, but for me yes I am not born as a genius and I sometimes feel like giving up. Not really sometimes but most of the time HAHAHA. So should I be proud of myself now? I believe that each and every one of us struggles every day, in our own way.
My degree life has its up and down, really. For people who are not really close to me and only know me from superficial, their impression would be like you have a bright future ahead, you are talented, you are smart, you are good in building rapport and making connections etc etc. Well, I am not denying all that (not to boost up myself I swear), but I just want to say that it really took a lot of efforts to reach that. And we decide on what we want to show to people out there. Takkan nak tunjuk benda buruk pasal diri sendiri kan?
But I got to say this, who ever expected that this bright-future-ahead-talented and smart girl failed one of the subject. Yes, you read that right. I failed one of the paper in semester 7 and only God knows how it feels like. I feel like a really stupid student, I dont deserve to be a pharmacist, I made my parents frustrated and I should only stopped pharmacy school. Tinggal tak commit suicide je astaghfirullahalazim. Its all because of that one subject. I dont know how to face my friends, I am afraid that I cannot be graduating on time and people will know about it. How am I going to face the world? And the most important thing is people will judge me. For everything that I said, people will take it for granted. That is the thing that I'm afraid the most. But Alhamdulillah, I have friends that always support me and my supporting ibu as well!!
Well, its pretty clear here that things might not be working out like what we planned. You will fall sometimes but you need to get up and start walking back. Don't be afraid to start over cause its a chance to create something better this time. For whatever happened in the past, I'm grateful because they have their own lessons. My ups and downs in finishing BPharm will always remain as a good memory. I appreciate myself a little bit more than before. I don't judge people from whatever they showed to the world. I learned not to be too hard on myself sometimes. And I am glad for everything that happened, they just happened and each have their own reasons.
Naa, it turned out that I already made a lengthy post. I should really back on studying. Maybe, I will talk on what to do after I finish degree on my next post? Until then, thanks for reading my stories!